Confrontations: Daniel

Finished with Ezekiel, I am tackling Daniel. And right away I see these major confrontations between Daniel and one king after another. Daniel has to say some pretty heavy things. And since someone important to me had to confront me a while back, it got me thinking. Here goes.

So how do we do this terrible thing? And when? And how do I react when it gets done to me?

First of all, I’d say, if you are getting the earful, just listen. Don’t defend, don’t excuse, don’t answer back. Just listen. The other person is hurt, angry, scared, or just trying to right a wrong. You need to hear that first. Then, just process. Think. Be brutally honest with yourself. What is the truth in what he is saying? If there is one whiff of truth, you need to hear it.

Second, if you are confronting, know your audience. As it happens, I am not a confrontational person. I run away from confrontations, rabbit-hearted introvert that I am. Some people thrive on confrontation, but it appalls me. You have to realize that different people react differently to strong stimulus. Think of your kids, if you have some. Does one kid need stronger verbal queues to pay attention? Does one just curl up in agony with the first strong word or dark look? Something Robert and I are tackling in our marriage is our very different perception of anger. I say he’s angry; he says he’s not. I feel anger coming at me when he says he’s not radiating any at all. He says that’s not fair. I should not be able to decide he’s angry when he’s not. What is going on here! So know your confrontee. Is this a sensitive person who will wither with one word? How much do you really need to say to get your point across? Daniel was pretty brief. Because this is not about you venting, but about fixing something that’s broken.

Which brings me to what tends to break in confrontations: the relationship. I think that before confrontation happens, you have to make sure the other person knows you are on solid ground together. That person needs to know you are willing to tackle this thing together, no matter how painful, and move ahead.  And you can’t be carrying baggage from past, unsolved issues, blocking the airways, because then you are starting off without trust. (Interesting to see that after Daniel confronted the king, he got new robes and a promotion. In Mexico, this would be a sign that the Government was co-opting the prophet. But the book of Daniel makes it clear that this prophet was willing to face lions rather than compromise. The robes were a sign of respect.)

And you have to start by listening. We all carry such different backstories, always pegging other people’s actions according to how they fit in our own stories. Because our own stories are all we’ve got—until we listen. That is why Robert and I, in Mexico, insist and insist and insist that short term visitors come to listen first--to Mixtecs and Hispanics and Zapotecs--learning their back stories before speaking into their lives, before confronting them with a gospel message that might make little sense without a relationship to clothe it in. Isn’t that why we needed the Incarnation? Can you imagine how much listening needs to happen to bring together such diverse worlds? Even with people we think we know well, we make mistakes.  I’ve made big mistakes with my husband and my kids, and some of my biggest ones right in my classroom.  I have made assumptions about my kids that fit my own backstory—why they plagiarized, or why they balked at a project. And sometimes I blasted them first and listened last, and had to apologize. The unshared backstories are what kill relationships. If I had waited, given my anger time to fade, asked myself what I was telling myself about those kids, I would have done better. So wait, if that’s possible. Think. Daniel asked a lot of questions before he spoke out.

I do think there are times for public confrontations, which are horrible, and going to get you in hot water, so think before you go there. But sometimes you have to confront because power is being abused. Daniel had to confront three of the most powerful kings in the world. I think for some of us, power gets abused at church. (I think of poor Calvin confronting Moe when Moe steals his toy truck. He is up against an unassailable power wall; hopefully we are not.) Speakers sometimes say things publicly, and because we have some concept that they speak for God and we don’t so much (not at all a Biblical concept, by the way, if you believe in the priesthood of all believers), we just take it. I am not talking here about some honest mistake about whether Jubilee happens every 7 years or every 50. Just give the guy some grace.

No, I am talking about when the speaker insists that certain people are “in,” and certain people are “out” because they are Gentiles, or black, or uneducated, or unitiated in deeper truths, or difficult, or sketchy in some way. Twice in the last months, I’ve heard a preacher say that anyone not sharing their particular interpretation of Scripture was on a slippery slope. One added, “and calling God a liar.” I put my head down in my hands because I didn’t, and I’m not, and I wondered who else in the congregation had their 

head down. And recently I watched my kids (born to me or not, it does not matter) get put on someone’s “Sketchy List,” and then I dealt not with unease, but with anger. And you my sister, and you my brother, will you assign us a cancer of the soul and place us on a slide to hell when we disagree? Can you gauge where we stand before God using a doctrinal checklist?

(I guess writing like this is a public confrontation of sorts. And we all know how confrontations on social media can go; I’ve sat on this post for weeks).

Old Foot-in-His-Mouth Peter had the humility to later call Paul’s public correction hard, but necessary. If we are in leadership roles, do we accept correction? If not, we don’t belong there. Jesus always reserved his harshest rebukes for pastors, because in the end, all power is spiritual.

Finally, if the error happened in private, keep it private. Go to the offender first, without consulting anyone. If that fails, then seek help. Robert helped my friend and me be able to hear one another again. If the affected circle is wider, then confront (or apologize) at that level, no more. We are trying to heal, never punish. Never assume you know the other person’s motivations or their heart. You don’t. You know their actions, and that is all. Stick to that. If you hear yourself saying, “You are…” instead of “You did…” Stop. Listen some more. Don’t hang up.

 And when you are wrong, either as confronter, or confrontee, apologize quickly, "leaving your sacrifice at the altar," as Jesus said, because you are in the wrong place. And above all, forgive.